I Just Want Them to Be Happy. But They’re Not.

Joanna Talbot
Jun 8
2 min read

What to Do When Your College-Aged Child Seems Down, Disengaged, or Unmotivated

As parents, our deepest wish is simple: We just want our kids to be happy. We’re not asking for perfection. Not even for straight A’s or fancy jobs. We just want to see them light up — to feel like they’re okay.

So when your college-aged child seems withdrawn, negative, or unmotivated, it’s heartbreaking.

You start to ask:

Are they depressed?
Is something wrong?
Do they even want to feel better?

And most painful of all: “Is there anything I can do?”

😞 Why So Many Students Are Struggling Emotionally

Today’s college students and recent grads are facing record levels of:

Anxiety
Loneliness
Burnout
Hopelessness

A 2023 report from the American College Health Association found:

Over 60% of students reported feeling "overwhelming anxiety" in the past year. Nearly half said they felt so depressed it was difficult to function.

This isn’t just stress. It’s a mental health crisis — made worse by:

Constant social comparison on social media
High expectations with unclear paths to success
Pressure to seem “fine” even when they’re not

And many of them are silently suffering. Not because they don’t care — but because they feel stuck, ashamed, or unsure how to ask for help.

🧠 The Neuroscience of Feeling Stuck

In the brain, motivation and mood are tightly linked.

When a young adult doesn’t have:

A sense of purpose
Clear goals
Daily momentum

…the brain’s reward system can flatline. No dopamine, no drive. No progress, no pride.

It’s a feedback loop. One that can feel impossible to break from the inside.

That’s where coaching comes in.

💡 Why Coaching Can Be a Turning Point

Coaching is not therapy. But it is therapeutic.

It gives students a way to:

Break their patterns of avoidance
Reconnect with what excites them
Build small, achievable wins
Learn emotional regulation skills
Discover their own “why”

And perhaps most importantly — it puts them back in the driver’s seat.

Instead of hearing, “You should be doing more,” They start to say, “I want to try this.”

🗣️ What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

If your student seems unhappy, but shuts you out, try: “I know things feel hard right now. You don’t have to explain it all, but I’m here to help you figure out what might help.”

Then offer something concrete:

“Would you be open to talking to someone outside the family — like a coach? It’s not about fixing you. It’s about helping you move forward, one step at a time.”

You can’t force them to feel better. But you can make it easier for them to get help.